What a Scrub

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, link farmers and robots, I am Balls Maximus! Hi. Wow, kinda quiet in here after that introduction, I really don't know what else to say, ok, sure I can do that.

I was never really the quiet type, I have a geeky brain and lounge singer mentality. I fell in love with Buzz out loud because I was in love with Veronica Belmont. By the time VB left the show, I was like totally over her. I like, asked her to leave ok? Sorry if you other dudes had geek crushes on her, it was time for us to part ways. After the break up, I missed couple shows, just to you know, be out on my own for a bit. Sowing my wild oats. After no oats grew, and I found out I was a terrible farmer, I came back to geekin, and turned on my favorite tech podcast once again. I was a proud as Master Yoda in SW-VI-RoTJ to find that my podcast was just as good, and got nothing but better as time went on.

Year later, I quit my day job at CBS/CNET competitor Clear Channel, and quit shaving, I decided that I wasn't going to follow anyone, I started my own production company, I was the king of the world! I started hanging in the chat room, just to be "bad." To say, "screw you society, I'm going to watch BOL, even if they are owned by CBS."

I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Luckily Molly had just gone through a pregnancy so, I new I was not alone. Molly was an unmarried, uninsured, unemployable person just like me, except for the fact that none of those things are true. So I had a lot of people giving me support in my quest for fatherhood. The chat room has already named my son, Balls-minimus which I'm not really fond of because Balls-Minimus sounds like Balls Mini Mouse. Who everyone knows doesn't have balls. Therefore anything Mini would do with balls would be sexual, and therefore my son would be to young to hear any explanation of his would-be nick name. I prefer the chat room call him Little Balls, as that is what I saw in the ultrasound.

So, you have some curiosity of where the nickname BallsMaximus came from. I mean what self respecting gent calls himself such a name? Well that self respecting gent, was once an 18 year old not-so-self-respecting-gent named James who was in his senior year at St. Vincent - St. Mary high school. You've heard that name before right?

Yes, little do people know that my Junior year I was about to get a Varsity Letter in Football. Yes Football, American football. When I twisted my ankle for a game. During that game the coaches decided to put in a young freshman by the name of LeBron James to play my backup wide receiver role. I don't really have to say, I was very lucky to get the enough playing time to letter after that.

During that football season, my friends and I in a usual night, of not doing drugs, and not drinking, and not staying up late doing stupid high school things, took super hero names. One of us took the name "The Perfect Spit" as he never missed the spitter he used when he chewed tobacco, another chose the name "Kindling Man" because he was the best at making fires at high school parties, I chose Balls Maximus, because the movie Gladiator had just come out, and I enjoyed yelling Maximus over and over again at pep rallies, and then doubled my enjoyment yelling, Balls-Maximus.

At night, when my football friends had all gone, and my would be girlfriends were asleep at home, obviously dreaming of how loving and generous I was, I would fire up Starcraft Broodwar and play online for hours/days at a time. One of the names I started using online was, BallsMaximus.

The rest is history. I used BallsMaximus as a throwaway name to use on websites. Little did I know, it would be the enjoyment of the chat room, and the hosts of the Buzz out Loud show.

People sometimes think I'm totally full of myself, and tonight it's true, but only because I ate my own left thigh for dinner. I am a very giving, humble guy, who will do anything to help you out. If you have any questions, or are the lease bit interesting, or have a problem being one bit interesting, just look me up and I'll do my best to help you out. Seriously, I like helping with whatever I can, I'm a great reference if you're trying to get a job in fortune 500 companies, but only in janitorial positions, and I'd have to fake my own qualifications as well as my name, but I promise, you'll look great by the time I'm done talking to the thousands of mob bosses that owe me favors because I clean spyware off mob gambling computer networks.

My Son is due to be born in May and I can't wait to make him one of my pupils, and I don't mean a self-regulating expanding and contracting black hole in the center of my eye, I mean one of my students in life. I believe that life is the greatest gift anyone can have and that as long as we are able to see the day, we should laugh and give thanks. Give thanks to Xanza, God of the world of spectral light, for he is great and holey (filled with holes). If I've made you laugh today, please return the favor and make someone else laugh, then e-mail this to 12 of your friends, or you will get gangrene and die a slow horrible death at Xanza hands, Xanza be praised.

I love you guys, love the chat, and love the show! See me online at:

Someone help me, I think I've posted this page three times!

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